Podcast of the Week #3 – The Science of Building Genuine Friendships

Introduction

Modern Wisdom Ep. #799 Released June 20th, 2024

The guest speaker with Chris Williamson (host) was David Robson. David Robson is a science writer, journalist, and author. David wrote the Expectation Effect and has uncovered 13 laws of human connection. This podcast took a deep dive into social connections. Some important conversations covered how cell phones effect engagement and social comparison, the ideology of “frenemies,” the introvert versus extrovert dichotomy, overcoming of egocentric thinking, self-confidence, and so much more.

The Ideology of “Frenemies”

It is crucial to understand the ideology of a “frenemy.” A “frenemy” could be a teammate, coworker, boss, family member, or someone else. Commonly, I think of a “frenemy” as someone who is a friend or acquaintance in your life, but provides more negativity in life than positivity. A more formal dictionary provided by the Oxford Dictionary is, “a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.” Removing “frenemies” from your life is ideal, but at times they may be cemented in your life out of your control. Quietly labeling these people internally is important along with avoiding them at times. Every connection can bring positivity and lessons into your life, but being careful around frenemies is crucial to your continuance of self-growth and happiness.

Real-Life Application: Suppose you have a coworker who consistently offers backhanded compliments or subtly puts you down. While you can’t avoid them entirely, setting clear boundaries and limiting unnecessary interaction can help protect your mental space.

Introvert vs. Extrovert Dichotomy

The second point focuses on challenging your personality traits: introvert versus extrovert. Now, genetically each one of us is wired a certain way, regularly leaning towards one of these two personality traits. The podcast focuses on practicing being the one you want to be more. Robson pushes the listener to set implementation intentions. In other words, set a goal. If one wants to be more extroverted, push oneself to be more social when you are out in public. One example may be: the next time you go out to dinner, you must start a conversation with the waitress. Another example may be: the next time you attend your yoga class, you must introduce yourself to another yogi.

Reflection: It’s easy to stay in your comfort zone, but personal growth comes from challenging yourself. What aspects of your personality would you like to develop further? Whether it’s stepping out of your introverted shell or becoming more introspective as an extrovert, setting small goals can help you achieve that.

Overcoming Egocentric Thinking

The final main point I took out of this podcast was the necessity of overcoming egocentric thinking. Once again, according to the Oxford Dictionary, egocentric is defined as “thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centered.” No one likes being around someone who is self-centered. Some ways to check yourself and make sure you are not self-focused is to ask more questions, listen in conversations, and provide self-disclosure. I really want to focus on this last point: self-disclosure. Robson mentions the “fast friendship procedure.” In other words, it is a fast track to intimacy and deeper relationships with others. To practice this procedure, one must ask probing questions, be brave to have real conversations, and truly get to know the person you are trying to connect with. I truly believe the more real conversations you have with people, the more authentic of a friendship and connection you will have. Push past the shallow conversation, and shy more towards the deeper, more real conversations throughout your life.

Application: The next time you’re with friends or colleagues, consciously focus on asking questions and listening. Aim to build a more authentic connection by showing genuine interest in the other person’s thoughts and experiences.

Author’s Insights

The topics discussed in this podcast shine a light on the importance of understanding the people around you and yourself. One key takeaway is recognizing the minority of people who truly care for you—those who have your best interests at heart. In today’s world, many people are focused on their own goals, often out for themselves. While it’s important to help others, being aware of who truly supports you is essential for your well-being. Surrounding yourself with people who uplift you, and knowing how to navigate interactions with those who don’t, like frenemies, is crucial for your personal growth and happiness.

For those who may be stuck dealing with frenemies, whether it’s a teammate or a colleague, it’s vital to maintain boundaries and avoid letting their negativity impact you. Always remain kind and professional, but be prepared to protect your energy when needed. It’s not about cutting everyone off, but about managing these dynamics wisely.

Another key point from the podcast was the introvert versus extrovert dichotomy. I strongly agree with Robson’s idea of pushing yourself toward discomfort. We are creatures of habit, seeking comfort whenever possible, but growth comes from stepping outside our comfort zones. If you’re naturally introverted but want to be more social, start small—introduce yourself to someone new or initiate a conversation when you have the chance. These small actions compound over time and can lead to personal transformation.

Finally, overcoming egocentric thinking is something I believe we all need to work on. Think back to a time when you encountered someone with a large ego—how did they make you feel? Chances are, it wasn’t pleasant. The truth is, the world doesn’t revolve around any one of us. I believe our purpose is to help and guide others to a brighter future. By focusing on serving others instead of being self-centered, we not only improve our relationships but also create a more meaningful life for ourselves.

In the end, the lessons from this podcast boil down to understanding the dynamics around you, challenging yourself to grow, and keeping your ego in check. By practicing these principles, you can foster stronger connections and continue on your path of self-growth.

Additional Resources for Deepening Understanding

Sources

Note: all of this information was gathered from the Modern Wisdom podcast episode 799. Reference that episode in the button below, and give the entire podcast a listen!

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